Finding yourself again isn't as easy as it seems

 

Good (mundane) morning. 

The weather is hot, aircond doesn't seem to work well (or is it just the heat overtaking the cooling devices now), and me drinking my cold green tea in the office but I can't seem to feel anywhere near cold. I feel like bathing in a bathtub full of ice now. OK no..thats a bad idea. Maybe the man who swims with polar bears are able to do that and way more. I put my hands in icy water before for few mins and my hands were so numb after that from the cold - I can't feel anything for a moment. 

But we are not going to discuss whether I'm a coldblooded or a warmblooded kind of person. I'm bored (if that isn't obvious enough) and my life right now revolves around work, reading novel and my gamer husband who just discovered Diablo (if you're a husband considering to play this, please don't). Seriously, Diablo can break your marriage! I thought Mobile Legend and Genshin Impact is already a bad combo- and then this new game just launched which I feel almost similar as other games he played. Sheesh, I don't understand men and their game addiction. #annoyed

Speaking about novels - my current read is One Hundred Names by Cecelia Ahern. A much, much needed break from my usual crime books. I initially wanted a book about romance, but then as I stumbled across this one, I'm intrigued by the title and synopsis and decided to give it a go. So far I loved it soo much, amazinggg - Cecelia Ahern never fails to amaze me by her writing. One of my fav rom-com authors, she's Irish, daughter of the former Ireland Prime Minister and sister-in-law to one of the boy band member Westlife. Oh and not to mention - she wrote PS I love you when she was just twenty one years old which turned into one of the famous romantic movies!

I was expecting the novel to be all about romance as I thought the author only wrote about that genre. But what I read is much better than I expected - a story of a woman who is still discovering herself, her life and the people around her. Everyone has a story to tell, no matter how boring, how blunt, and how scant they think their lives may be. 

Ok la spoilers abit into the novel - a story of a woman named Kitty, who is a journalist and her boss gave her one last job on her deathbed - which is to find a list of one hundred names that her boss have it somewhere in her home. Kitty wanted to write a story about her boss - to reminisce her life, her contribution to the magazine - but she knew her boss didn't want to be ALL about her. So Kitty tried to find relevance in the list of one hundred names. A ONE HUNDRED NAMES! What does that got to do with her boss? I'm still trying to ascertain that and I'm already halfway through the book - and I slowly understood what Cecelia Ahern tried to portray here.

Kitty has so many predicaments - from trying to finish the story of her boss which includes the ONE HUNDRED NAMES in two weeks; on top of that has court cases - a repercussion from her unprofessional mistake which turned her life upside down - she received death threats, people have their dogs pooped outside her apartment. and worst, pepople set up firecrackers at her apartment. However, whatever nasty setbacks she faced, no matter how much she hated herself and though she thinks she brought this upon herself - which is true, but beneath that weakness, there's a strength emanating within her, her steadfastness, and her genuine love for her boss. She is still discovering herself while discovering other people (from the one hundred names). So like it or not, she has to bite the bullet and continue the work despite breaking down over and over again. 

AHHH SO MUCH I WANT TO SPOIL BUT I CANT!!! I HAVE TO WAIT TILL I FINISHED!

I'm 28 this year, and ain't getting younger. My mom is pestering me to have a baby, and I felt pressured because I am in fact, getting older. But different people different rizq - I tried to keep that in my head, but that doesn't help seeing my other friends who have kids younger than me right now and already had second child before they reach 30. 

It's really not easy, but I know I'm not the only one who's feeling the peer pressure. Looking at one's life on social media, we always wonder; how they look so good after having 2 kids? How are they juggling between their jobs and their family? How they have so much money? How they can get married so young? The list and questions goes on and on and on.

I myself, are not stranger to comparison. I compared my life a lot with other people - I'm already 28 but I still haven't achieved alot of things. I worked in a totally different field than what I studied, I don't get as much salary as my friends, I am not as pretty as them, seriously my friends get more hotter and aged really well even after having kids. Walao..now I'm crying my own river. LOL

When we were kids, we are often asked what is our ambition when we grow up?

And my answer would always be the typical answer  - doctor, lawyer, astronaut, scientist - and that continued on till highschool and university.

But halfway through my foundation year - suddenly I have no clue. I keep on questioning myself, is this what I want? But my parents say this doesn't make alot of money, nono you should try to study business instead, doctors now dont make much money - all the feeble excuse of not taking a certain course for your degree. What happened to all my dreams when I was a kid? What happened to the very firm little girl, to the Sasha who had dreams all above and beyond her imagination? Where was the fire that used to spark within her, what blew the flames away so abruptly?

I have no clue. And when you're married and adulting, have bills to pay - the resposibillities just got bigger and bigger, and then I realized and thankful that I haven't had a kid yet. When the time comes, it will come and InsyaAllah I will be ready for it that time. 

But yeah, to be frank, I didn't enjoy what I studied; and now I'm working in a field wayy far-fetched from my studies. And I'm still figuring out my next career, what I want to do next, and when I did figure it out, should I do another degree? I feel old, but there are people whos doing a medical degree at their thirties, who got PhD at their sixties! If that doesnt inspire you idk what will.

Alot of my times are wasted, but I know Allah put me through that because He knows i can handle and He wants me to shine too - it might be later than I wanted it to, but it will come. My youth are wasted seriously. So I hope in the light of finding myself again, I will make MYSELF proud, and to be happy with what I am doing. To be happy, it doesn't mean I have to wait till it happens. Im happy now, in the process, taking my own time to grow. Even though I'm all grown up, I'm still growing, like a flower trying to find a way to bloom, trying to find sunlight in the darkness of it all.

And I am grateful to be with someone who supports what I wanna do. In the midst of hectic life living as a hero in Mobile Legend, saving the land of dawn - my husband still puts me to bed every night, taking out the trash, and just let me be..me. I can never be myself with anyone else except with him. No matter how much I drool on him, he still loves me and my finds my drooling cute  - even though masyam.

We were gullible as kids, unaware of what the real world out there might hit us. But it's okay to have big dreams, its okay to teach your kids to dream BIG. Not gonna lie, I heard some kids nowadays want to be tiktok star, youtubers or influencers because thats the drill nowadays. I know that business now makes alot of money, but I think it could be unhealthy to have that kind of mindset instilled in a child. Let them dream big, and decide their fate when they grow up when they can think better.

As for now, as someone whos nearing her thirties but still clueless on many many aspects in life, I am now making little goals so that I can achieve em one by one. And with those little goals ticked on my checklist, I will celebrate. Or ask my hubby to treat me something hehehe.

I'm so proud of his progression in career, hes doing things that not many people does, so many stressed and bseides being a husband, he is a hero in his fantasy world. Unfazed, and extremely focused when hes doing something. His much sexier when hes focused on something. So yass #donotdisturb

To encapsulate whatever nonsense I was babbling about in this blog - it's okay to not be okay. It's okay to let it out, its okay to take things one thing at a time, as long we are on our way to achieving those little goals we made. Celebrate them, cherish them, and if you think ascertaining ourselves is hard - it is. Theres no easy way, so like it or not, we need to learn to brave ourselves through the storm the whole nine yards. 

Again, happy (mundane) Monday everyone!