Love

 Love. What is love? Such one word can lead up to many different meanings. 

According to wikipedia:

Love encompasses a range of strong and positive emotional and mental states, from the most sublime virtue or good habit, the deepest interpersonal affection, to the simplest pleasure.

I'm not going to dive deep into research or other people's view about love, however in this blog, I'm going to share MY own experience and my personal view on the most basic word but has such powerful and profound meaning in the existence on Earth. 

Growing up, I have ambivalent feelings about love. Sure, I had a boyfriend back then whom I think I "loved" and who wasn't excited the first time they had a boyfriend? However, I wasn't exactly sure if I was in love, or it was pure infatuation. My first relationship was toxic. There was a lot of fights, gaslighting, and we were really toxic towards each other. Calling it quits was the best decision we both ever made, moving on wasn't so hard for me. I felt a sense of relief but also stupidity struck over me as I blamed myself for not ending it a long time ago. It was a make-up break-up relationship, which is why the last and final breakup didn't make me dejected. 

Memories of my old relationship is blurry by now, I wasn't ready for love after my breakup. My trust issues were declining, I basically hated all men and planned to get married by 35-40. My parents didn't like the idea of me having that kind of mindset, but at that time I was really adamant to focus on my own life and the probability of someone coming to me telling they like me..probably close to zero. 

But Allah has planned everything so beautifully. Great things do come unexpected. On one random afternoon, I decided to follow this boy on IG. He was my Form 1 classmate 11 years ago who loved to tease me and basically made fun of me coz hes just that annoying. I don't really recall any meaningful conversation with him either but I just followed him since he was my classmate so why not? I'm the type to follow anyone I know. I noticed he always be the first one who sees my IG stories. Then I thought hmm..maybe the evil exasperating phase has gone? Is he interested in me? Or he's just on Instagram too often. Then I look at his pic..not bad. Straight hair, glasses, nerdy looking..my type of guy. 

After graduating, I have tried searching numerous jobs but still remained unemployed for quite awhile. So obviously the normal thing for unemployed people trying to get their luck in a company would be visiting the career fair. Not to say I was desperate, I'm just there for the free gifts. LOL

The career fair was just like any others, booths everywhere and the probability of me securing one of the companies would be low given their standards were pretty high and I'm not a cum laude grad. 

So me and my friend came across a non-profit company that recruits volunteers to teach underprivilaged children. After listening and taking their pamphlets,  we walked out and I bumped into the annoying boy who used to tease me, dressing formally, his hair straight and silky pushed back, got taller by many inches (he used to be shorter than me) and a wide smile on his face. I still remember the look on his face, his eyes were so wide, overreacting I would say. I guess thats the first time he saw me without the school uniform. It has been 9 years since we saw each other so the feeling is kind of different as an adult. Handsome jugak dia dah besar ni, I thought to myself. 

Anyway we chatted for a little bit then I went off without saying goodbye coz my friend was waiting, and he went off too without looking back..which made me a little mad. Long story short, that same evening he dm-ed me on my Instagram asking if i had sent my CV as a conversation opener. I was shocked but subsequently the conversation went well, we talked and talked throughout the day, he would message me early morning and things went pretty fast for us. 

I would tell our love story for another day, now after marriage I understood love in a different way. It's not always sunshine and love, but it's more to responsibility that maintains our relationship. I believe love will always be there despite youre bored having to see the person 24/7, and I am truly blessed to have someone who always attaches by bed sheets everytime because Im not an elegant sleeper, who willingly lets me drool on top of him coz well again, not an elegant sleeper, who helps wash dishes and cleans the kitchen after I cook coz I hate washing dishes, lay out the prayer mat for me for our jemaah prayer, when i'm itchy in the middle of the night he would get up and put on the cream, lots of hugs and kisses and the "I love you" even though Im angry, many many more because a long ass essay would not be enough to describe how amazing, patient, selfless my husband is. We overcame many adversities before and after our marriage, and still loved each other still. There are times previously that we had huge fights and breaking up was almost an option. But our foundation was stronger than that the Moh's scale of diamonds. He treats me like a Queen, and I am beyond grateful. From not wanting to marry soon, I ended up marrying my sweetheart 3 years after dating. 

Different people show love differently I guess. But for me, it's always action first. Words do come along, but action and the desire to be together and go through really the toughest and happiest time together is the forefront of our relationship. Patience, responsibility, and determination are the factors of a healthy relationship.

Okay thats about it. Chiao!!!!