The tears that won't stop

I posted updates about my cat in social media - from his unfortunate accident (unintentional hit by my neighbour) to his infection that lead to his death recently.

I have prepared for this moment. I somehow deep down knew that he won't make it, I just didn't know when he'll be exhaling his last breath. He was still breathing fine the day before, except he didn't wake up or respond when I called his name.

"Louie..Louie.." I called out and pat his tummy that was fluctuating up and down from his breathing. Relief flooded over me as he was still breathing - but little did I know that was the last time I saw him breathing. 

When we brought him to the emergency room that night, his temperature was really low (32 degrees celsius) and the doctor already gave us the heads up for any possibility. I tried to look strong so that I could understand his condition better and work alongside the doctor to heal him. But inside, my heart shattered, and I cried and stayed silent the whole journey back home leaving Louie behind - connected to the IV drip because he was so weak he could barely stand. Since the accident, he could barely eat as well - we had to force-feed him through a syringe. So from then I knew, my cat has lost it's will to live and it's heartbreaking watching him lifeless and frail. 

For a few days I prayed and prayed with tears in my eyes for a miracle. But at the same time, I forced myself to prepare for the impending difficult news. I completely lost my mood to do anything. Your temperament changes when your beloved pet is fighting for their life. 

To whoever said that "Oh, it's just a pet. Why get upset over a death of a cat? You can always get a new one," are probably those who never had an emotional connection with their pets/just not an animal lover/lack of compassion/never had a pet.

Then on 3rd of July 2023 - I got a call from the animal hospital - saying that Louie has passed away. When I saw the caller ID, I knew that he was already gone, but I had no choice but to hear it from the doctor himself.  

 As a pet owner, I guess this is what we had to face sooner or later. 9 years living with my fluffy companion, and when God says its finally time to let him go, then I must do it, whether I like it or not. 

The whole house felt bleak without his presence that usually filled with joy and laughter. He hates toys since he's a very chilled cat (like an old man) - so his ignorant towards the toy I bought in vain was funny because he never tried to play with it. Instead of catching the undulating rope that has feathers tied at the end with his paws, he jut stared at it blankly, probably thinking "Why is this lady swinging this stupid thing in front of my face?" and after ten minutes trying to get his attention, he walked off with his tails up thinking these grown adults completely lost their mind. Haha. 

I originally did not want him at first as I had another cat at the time and for those who don't know - yes, pets can get jealous (Louie is no different btw, I noticed the chillest of the chills are usually the ones that tend to sulk worst than a 2 year old toddler). But after my mom brought him home, I immediately fell in love with him. His soft fluffy hands, his shy demeanor at first, and he just lets you do whatever you want with him. His temperament is nothing I've seen with other cats - who's usually needy and demanding - so he instantly clicked with me at that time. 

So many things I wanted to talk about my beloved pet - how wonderful he has been, the easiest to take care, and when you're sad or in pain, he just sits there by your side and I instantly felt better. 

An animal sometimes can be a better companion than humans - they've seen you at your worst and vice versa - yet, they still love you unconditionally. 

My dear Louie deserves to be honored, and I will honor him as long as I live, and my husband. We are devastated, but we know he is in better care under Allah SWT. 

Pets aren't just a toy to keep us entertained.

Pet's aren't something to be sidelined. 

Pet's aren't just an emotional support when we are down.

Pet's aren't just a puppet for us to do what we want and not care when they frown (figuratively, of course)

Pet's aren't just pets. They are family. 

Appreciate and care for them while they are still in the flesh,

For you will be rattled when they crashed,

There's nothing you can do to ease your woes, 

For you have lost your beau.

And to other people who are still grieving the loss of your pets, or even worst due to euthanasia - I just want you to know that you are not alone. Pet grief is real. Pet grief is valid. Pet grief is COMPLETELY NORMAL and don't let other people tell you otherwise. 

If you can take time off from work, please do it. Talk to people who understands your situation, or you can go see a therapist (more specifically, a pet grief counsellor. Yes, it exists.) I recommend you to watch a TED video from Dr. Sarah Hoggan about pet grief. I know it might not make sense to engage in things that are related to your pet's death - but trust me, it feels comforting to hear albeit in tears about her experience as a vet and seeing all orts of emotions of pet owners. She is so sweet and full of compassion. I cried even more as I listened how other owners begged their pets to be saved. A disabled man whose dog was at the brink of death, handed her his credit card telling her to do whatever it takes to save Girl (the name of the dog). I cried harder. The love between a pet and their owner is so unconditional, and the bone cant be undone. 

Whatever I faced, I'm sure they have seen it worst. 

Letting it out and crying does help, so if you feel the need to do it, do it what the heck! Posting and honoring about your cat in social media also does seem to help. The "get over it" attitude won't make you get you over it, trust me. And you won't. You just live through. You push through, because you already had wonderful years with them. And you know its time for them to be happier in another place, InsyaAllah. 

Stay happy, and if you have pets, appreciate and love them because they deserve it too <3