The girl and the ghost

Hailee jolted awake, feeling breathless as the same recurring nightmares came to visit without fail. Sweat dripping over her forehead, and her body felt icky from the drench. Her breath gradually quickened that matched the rapid beatings of her heart. She wiped her forehead and decided to get up to change into another pajama. She ended up choosing another similar long dress that was white and the reflection in the mirror almost horrified her.

Great, now I look like a ghost.

She tied up her long hair into a simple bun so it doesn’t liken those female characters in a horror movie and went downstairs to get a glass of water.

The kitchen was as dark as a graveyard before she switched on the dim light. The bleak room failed to look less scary as Hailee looked like a haunted figure dressed in white, sauntering towards the fridge to retrieve a carton of milk before pouring it into her glass. Hailee gulped down the cold milk and the sensation of the cold water instantly refreshed her dehydrated self and calmed her nerves that was spiralling like a torpedo about to hit the ground.

Hailee almost fainted as a figure – almost like a spectre, appeared before her eyes. Her heart thrummed in her chest a mile a minute as the figure floated around and around the kitchen counter, penetrating the refrigerator, and finally hovered on top of her. She covered her mouth as she screamed her lungs out as to not wake other occupants in the house. She had heard people describing seeing a ghost, or those who had a third eye – and it was just like what they recounted, but somehow this ghost seemed less scarier. Instead of red-bloodhsot eyes, it had light brown eyes that resembled Hailee. It had long hair towards the waist, like Hailee did – except it let it flow rather than in a bun (duh). It didn’t have fangs – in fact, Hailee noted, it doesn’t have any blood smeared on its robes, nor look scary enough to taunt her. The figure was slightly contorted – but other than that, it looked…normal.

Hailee’s realization almost made her convulsed to the floor. The ghost looked like her.

Suddenly she regretted wearing her long-white robes as she figured it was what attracted a phantom in the house. The ghost that resembled her let out a smirk, and for some reason Hailee felt outraged and glared at the spectre and tried to overcome her fear by confronting it.

“W..w..what are you?” Hailee asked in a shaky tone.

The ghost let out a laugh that affronted her. The laugh wasn’t the scary, menacing laugh like those in horror movies portrayed to be. Her anger prompted her to inhale quick, ragged breaths but her nerves were toned down a little as she knew the ghost wasn’t there to hurt her. But her appearance (Hailee decided to regard it as a “she” since the ghost was obviously a woman) doesn’t make it less scary.

“Are you daft? I am you silly!” the ghost quipped, her voice echoed slightly around the kitchen.

Hailee cocked her eyebrows indignantly at her ghost-doppelgänger. “No, you’re not! You’re a ghost! You’re dead! I am very much alive, unlike you!” she snapped, clearly outrage the ghost can’t discern between the dead and the living.

The spectre barked out another laugh – clearly find her doppelgänger human hilarious. Noticing Hailee’s suspenseful stare, the ghost cleared its throat (what, she has a throat?) and halted its giggle immediately.

“Oh, come on,” she lamented. “Live life a lil’. You can’t take everything too seriously. Don’t let your past define who you are now.”

The statement ticked a surprised receptor in her brain. “What do you know about my past?” Hailee scoffed. The ghost had the audacity to squeal like a child and flew across the room and around Hailee in circles which made her head fuzzy and raise her blood pressure.

“I know all about you. I’m you, remember?” she squelched, giving her human-doppelgänger a mere reminder of who she was. “All you did is wallow in your pity, resent people around you, and just sit in the corner wondering if anyone ever care about you. You seek validation from the people you shouldn’t care about, but push away those who do.”

Hailee remained silent, unabashed by her brazen doppelgänger. How dare she make accurate assumptions about me?

The ghost-Hailee landed in front of her, looking intently in her eyes. The two remained silent for a while before ghost-Hailee decided to broke it.

“You need to let go of your past,” she stated. “You’re having nightmares because of it. There’s nothing you can do to change your past, but you can certainly work towards a better future. Future without nightmares, for a start.”

Hailee wanted to be angry – to tell her it wasn’t easy, for her to stop mocking other people’s predicament, and most of all, to stop giving her unsolicited advice. She is a ghost. Ghost don’t have a life. So how can they understand the living?

But ghost-Hailee managed to piqued her curiosity, so she played along with the frivolous conversation. “And how do you that?” Hailee questioned, unsure she wanted to know the answer.

And with that, the ghost continued to roam around the kitchen, flying with more speed as Hailee’s eyes darted around to catch the figure as it appeared and re-appeared incessantly.

“Well, you let go of course! Fly! Free yourself from the ghosts of your past! It will continue to haunt you like being tied to shackles,” she exclaimed as she continued to fly around in spirals, pirouetting around the room which exasperated poor Hailee but an epiphany suddenly occurred to her.

She’s right. I need to let go. I need to free myself from the shackles. Only I have the key to free myself.

She ignored her squeals and the ghost’s presence for awhile and closed her eyes – focusing on her thoughts until ghost-Hailee’s voice became muffled. She conjured some memories that were buried deep in her mind, and let herself immerse in the pain that she wished she could completely wipe the memory away. She once wished she encountered in an accident that could bump her head, and wake up not remembering anything - including herself. Starting afresh not knowing who you are could be a good overture of her new life.

She slowly felt her chest constricted as some of the excruciating recollection of her pasts started to swing by. Her relationship failures, the heartbreak-worthy friendships, the losses of the loved ones that doesn’t necessarily tantamount of them being six feet under – caused her breath to hitch. She immediately opened her eyes to make the pain stop. In contrast to her vivid memories, the sight of the bleak kitchen before her squinted her eyes though the light was very dim.

Hailee’s breath grew rapid and almost gave up in frustration. She can never let go of her gruesome pasts – she accepted her fate of having nightmares forever, avoiding crowds that triggered her social anxiety, and resented all her family and loved ones. Her dreams of becoming a writer one day would be on hold – and it has been that way for the last ten years. She didn’t know how long it’ll be delayed till she exhales her last breath.

Do I really want to put my dreams on hold just because how unfair life can be? Other people had mental illness too – but they still can publish a book, go on TV telling their story. Why can’t I? My story deserves to be told too.

“That’s it girl. Your dreams don’t deserve to be put on hold. No matter how difficult life may be – do not harbour resentment. It will get you nowhere. There are so many things in this life to be grateful for. I would know, because I was once alive. And I failed to recognized the good that happened to me. If only I paid attention to the positive things instead of crying about things I can’t change – I would have lived a life without regrets.”

The ghost-Hailee explained in a wistful tone that it triggered deep emptions in Hailee. She let out a tear – because she knows the ghost is right. But didn’t she just contradict herself? Saying she is indeed Hailee but at the same time claiming she was once alive.

As if reading her thoughts, the ghost folded its arms across its chest – a harbinger that she’s annoyed by Hailee’s constant frivolous thoughts.

“I don’t mean “die” in literal sense. Seriously Hailee, when was the last time you felt alive?” ghost-Hailee stated and rolled her eyes.

Her question made Hailee gobsmacked – because once again, the ghost was right. When was the last time she was alive? She has been a walking corpse for years. The question is – how long does she want to drown in the sea of sorrows? She has been pulled into a quicksand whenever she started thinking negatively – and that’s how the nightmares started.

Realizing Hailee deep in her thoughts, ghost-Hailee added on, “I’ll be gone once you realized you need to let go of the ghosts of your pasts.”

Hailee took a deep breath, and closed her eyes again. She didn’t immediately conjure the unwanted memories. Instead, she took her own time – when she was ready, she let the memories visit her mind again. But this time, it wasn’t the ones she wanted to forget. It was those blissful, happier memories.

The first day of university. Her professor complimented her ability to memorize words in a few seconds while they were practicing vocabulary for writing. He didn’t compliment other students as he did to Hailee.

How she was good in writing compared to her other peers. She even scored an A.

The day she got sponsored to review books. The smile on her face when she received books for free.

When her friends surprised her during her birthday. They made a custom-made card with her classmates’ wishes adorned the empty page.

The expensive vacations she went with her family. How she smiled and laughed as the breeze hit her bare skin.

End of flashbacks.

Hailee – who’s still closing her eyes, determined to add on happy memories to her list. She is ready to let go – slowly but surely. She won’t be able to heal entirely, but starting somewhere is better than nothing. She knows at times she will crumble and continue to feel dejected whenever she felt defined by her pasts. But to be able to be grateful and positive, even a modicum of it a day – she knew some new memories could be unlocked.

She opened her eyes, expecting to find ghost-Hailee to smile down at her, finally feeling proud. But Hailee was flustered that the ghost was nowhere to be seen as she peered around the kitchen, and walked towards the living room and around the house to confirm her suspicions.

Yep, she is no longer here.

Maybe ghost-Hailee has approved her willingness to change - that’s why she disappeared.

Hailee got in her room and journaled her thoughts – something she used to do years ago but stopped as the depression made her interests dwindled.

Hailee had second thoughts about the ghost. Was it truly real? Or does it exist in some part of her mind as a defense mechanism to shoo the nightmares away?

She quickly and enthusiastically wrote down her night, and went to sleep once the writing tire her.

For the first time in ages, she did not have nightmares.